Well, today is the day. One year ago today, my mother died in Houston. It feels like it just happened, but on the other hand it feels like it’s been forever without her. The Trib has an Memorial for her today if anyone wants to look at it.
I always thought people who said they missed/thought about their deceased loved ones everyday were just being cheesy. I know, for myself, there was a HUGE gray period after her death until just a month or two before Lilli was born. I don’t remember thinking about her much, but I might have. I don’t really remember Christmas last year either. I know I cried some, randomly, but that could have been pregnancy hormones too.
Then just before Lillith was born, it was like a fog was lifted. I remember DOING things. I remember going to buy a birth pool, spending way too much time on Mothering.com talking to my Due Date Club. I remember playing with Evan, doing laundry, walking down to Donnies house for visits. I still didn’t cry as much as I thought I should, but I did start thinking about her EVERYDAY, no kidding. I still do.
There is always something that comes up everyday, that I’d want to do with her, or that I think she’d like. It might be a joke that my dad sends me, that I think about forwarding to her for a split second before I remember she’ll never get it. Or Donnies’ new house that my mother would have LOVED! Sometimes it’s as little as taking Evan to the park and wishing I had someone to go with me. It hurts to know that my mother would have loved to have been more involved and active her last couple of years, if she hadn’t been so tired and anemic from her undiagnosed cancer. I wish I had known the problems she was having, so that I could stand up for her. I wish I had told her to FIGHT! I wish she had known that it WAS a life and death matter, not just “something not worth suing over.” It’s been a year, and I am still SO ANGRY.
I want to rip to pieces every person who ever hurt my mother. I want to tear lifeless the doctor that told her there was nothing wrong with her. I want her back!
I miss her everytime I look at my daughter. I tell Lilli everyday that her Lolly would have adored her.
Please help me remember my mother today. She was a wonderful woman, and it’s a real shame for the world that she’s no longer here.